Funny Life Quotes

Life is just one damned thing after another.
Erbert Hubbard

Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days you will be right.
Unknown author
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Carl Sandburg

Today is the last day of some of your life.
Unknown

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.
Christopher Isherwoo

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
Bob Monkhouse

Life… is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
Douglas Adams

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it.
Christopher Morley

Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale
vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man.
William Shakespeare

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
Anonymous

Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.
Marie Curie

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.
R. D. Laing

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. The consciousness of loving and being loved brings a warmth and richness to life that nothing else can bring.
Oscar Wilde

The end of a life is always vivifying.
Samuel Beckett

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

When people search for “Life Quotes” they are often looking for quotes about life. Why do the major search engines only give them hundreds of pages of commercial garbage about Life Insurance Quotes?
Bill Austin

Children make your life important.
Erma Bombeck

Life is like a B-movie script. It is that corny. If I had my life story offered to me to film, I’d turn it down.
Kirk Douglas.

Life itself is a quotation.
Jorge Luis Borges

Life is a horizontal fall.
Jean Cocteau

I’ve learned … that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Andy Rooney

Life is an incurable disease.

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim
Bertrand Russell

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Enjoy life. Think of all the women who passed up dessert on the Titanic.
Anonymous

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
Unknown

When life gives you lemons…. you throw it at mean people and hope it gets in their eyes.

Death is a once in a lifetime experience.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
Theodore Rubin

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.
Albert Einstein

Life’s unfairness is not irrevocable; we can help balance the scales for others, if not always for ourselves.
Hubert Humphrey

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
R. D. Laing

what a wonderful life ive had! i only wish id realized it sooner.

I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.
Jack Handey

Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.
Ross Perot

There must be more to life than having everything.
Maurice Sendak

When people search for “Life Quotes” they are often looking for quotes about life. Why do the major search engines only give them hundreds of pages of commercial garbage about Life Insurance Quotes?
Bill Austin

Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you’ll be right.
Unknown

How could there be any question of acquiring or possessing, when the one thing needful for a man is to become — to be at last, and to die in the fullness of his being.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery -

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
Douglas Adams

Parents learn a lot from their children about coping with life.
Muriel Spark

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Life would be perfect if: pleasant time had pause and re-play button, gloomy time had fast forward and delete button.
Unknown

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He made School Boards.
Mark Twain

I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
There is properly no history; only biography.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

My life summed up in one word: Random.
Trent Olson

The basic rule of human nature is that powerful people speak slowly and subservient people quickly because if they don’t speak fast nobody will listen to them.
Michael Caine

New Life Philosophy: My d**k is a passport. V**ina is a foreign country. I would like to visit as many countries as possible. A world traveler, if you will. But not those third world countries. That’s just gross.
Jon

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!

Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.

Trouble is part of your life – if you don’t share it, you don’t give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
Dinah Shore

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
Crowfoot

Suppose the world were only one of God’s jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one? —-George Bernard Shaw

On life’s journey faith is nourishment, virtuous deeds are a shelter, wisdom is the light by day and right mindfulness is the protection by night. If a man lives a pure life, nothing can destroy him. —Buddha

Life is something that everyone should try at least once. —Henry J. Tillman

life is the only thing you cant get out of alive.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

It s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It’s possible; you can never know that the universe exists only for me. If so, it’s sure going well for me, I must admit.
Bill Gates

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

I felt more than ever the necessity of my mission. But I went home out of spirits, I hardly know why. I must work by myself all life long.
Elizabeth Blackwell

There is more to life than increasing its speed.
M. K. Gandhi

Racing is Life…Anything that happens before or after is just waiting.

Life Is An Ice Cream Enjoy It Before Melts.

Life’s a fragile thing, Harr. One minute you’re chewing on a burger, and the next minute you’re dead meat.

If life gives you lemon throw ‘em at peoples.

Life is full of surprises. Just say “never” and you’ll see.

Because life is short, it’s wise to make it broad.


If I had known I was gonna live so long, I would have taken better care of myself.

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. —–Ashleigh Brilliant

The cost of living’s going up, and the chance of living’s going down. —-Flip Wilson

Life is like a game of poker: If you don’t put any in the pot, there won’t be any to take out. —-Moms Mabley

Experience is a terrible teacher who sends horrific bills. —-Unknown.

I have lived in the world just long enough to look carefully the second time into those things that I am most certain of the first time. —Josh Billings

If I had my life to live over again, I’d make the same mistakes, only sooner.–Tallulah Bankhead.

No one is listening until you fart. ~Author Unknown

Life is but a connection of short lasting good moments tied together by long lasting misery. —-Wietse Wiels

In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your wife found out. —-Joey Adams

I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it. —–Charles Schulz

The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life. —-Muhammed Ali

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!

If you are living your dream, be sure it isn’t a nightmare.

Love is the history of a woman’s life; it is an episode in man’s.
Germaine De Stael

If life gives you lemons, find someone with a papercut!

Life is short and so is money.
Bertolt Brecht

Life is better with scotch.

Most things in life are momnets of pleasure and a lifetime of embarrasment; photography is a moment of embarrassment and lifetime of pleasure.
Tony Benn

Life is short. Stunt it.
Andy Samberg

I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Mark Twain

If everything’s under control, you’re going too slow.
Mario Andretti

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of Spam.
Johnny Carson

Life is like a cobweb, not an organization chart.
Ross Perot

If I had my life to live over again, I’d be a plumber.
Albert Einstein

Life is like a roller coaster, and I’m about to throw up.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is a thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.” —-Dorothy Parker

When life gives you lemons, you’d better wait for it to give you some sugar first or else you’ll have some really nasty-tasting lemonade.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. ——Oscar Wilde

You’re alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act. —-Barbara Hall

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, ”Maybe life isn”t for everyone.

Life is a roller-coaster. Try to eat a light lunch.
David Schmaltz

Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you’re alive, it isn’t. —-Richard Bach

In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular. —-Kathy Norris

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids. —–Composed Catastrophe

God is nothing more than a comedian performing in front of an audience that is to afraid to laugh. —–LITTLE MISS FREAKING SUNSHINE

Steak is something which has clearly died for my sins, and should therefore be utterly worshipped. With roasted potatoes and a good gravy.

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. —-Mark Twain

Life is all screwed up without friends.
Unknown

You can get all A’s and still flunk life.
Anonymous

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Unknown

You must laugh, at least as much as you cry, just for balance.

Remember when life’s path is steep to keep your mind even.
Horace

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life. —– Yiddish proverb

I’ve been doing some research — in real life there is no algebra.
Audrey, “Twin Peaks”

The real reason for not committing suicide is because you always know how swell life gets after the hell is over.
Ernest Hemingway


Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. —-Will Rogers

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon. ——-Woody Allen

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ——Mark Twain

Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. —-Leo Buscaglia

Don’t sacrifice your life to work and ideals.

The most important things in life are human relations.

I found that out too late. ——Katharinde Susannah Prichard

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. ——Woody Allen

Life is painful, nasty and short… in my case it has only been painful and nasty. —Djuna Barnes

Life’s more amusing than we thought. —–Andrew Lang

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love
the questions themselves. Live the questions now.
Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it,
live along some distant day into the answer. —-Rainer Maria Rilke

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death. —-Kahlil Gibran

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

You live and you learn or you don’t live long. —-Robert A. Heinlein

Life doesn’t kick you around. You kick yourself around.
Wally Amos

Life is worth so much more than just gold.

I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works.
Oscar Wilde

A man should control his life. Mine is controlling me.
Rudolph Valentino

What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.

The goal of life is living in agreement with nature.
Zeno

Life is a long process of getting tired.
Samuel Butler

Life is just a series of trying to make up your mind.
Timothy Fuller

A happy life consists in tranquillity of mind.
Cicero

The earnestness of life is the only passport to the satisfaction of life.
Theodore Parker

Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.
Sholom Aleichem

Life can be dramatic and funny all in the same day!
Unknown

The life of man is the true romance, which when it is valiantly conduced, will yield the imagination a higher joy than any fiction.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.
Leonardo da Vinci

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act. —Truman Capote

Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow. —–Mahatma Gandhi

True, we love life, not because we are used to living,
but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love,
but there is also always some reason in madness. —–Friedrich Nietzsche

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, I am with you kid Let’s go! —-Maya Angelou

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious. — Brendan Gill

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. —Janet Coleman

There’s something about death that is comforting. The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate life now. —–Angelina Jolie

Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little. —Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

You are the same today that you are going to be five years from now except for two things:
the people with whom you associate and the books you read. —-Charles Jones

In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, its how your wife found out. —-Joey Adams

No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death. —William Burroughs

In the game of life, it’s a good idea to have a few early losses, which relieves you of the pressure of trying to maintain an undefeated season. —-Bill Vaughan

And did you get what you wanted in this life even so?
I did And what is it you wanted?
To call myself beloved to feel myself beloved on the earth. —-Raymond Carver

Life is so simple it depends on how take the things whether in an easier way or in a Complicated way. That is life. —-Unknown

I say, if your knees are not green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life. —–Bill Watterson

What a wonderful life I”ve had! I only wish I”d realized it sooner.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?—- H.L. Mencken

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.

Someone said to Voltaire, “Life is hard.” Voltaire replied, “Compared to what?

The trouble with life is that there are so many beautiful women and so little time.—-John Barrymore

The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly. —-Abraham Lincoln

Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. — Lou Erickso

Attack life, it’s going to kill you anyway. —–Steven Coallier

Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up. —-Author Unknown

If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you. —–A. A. Milne

Life isn’t worth living unless you’re willing to take some big chances and go for broke. —-Eliot Wiggington

Were it offered to my choice, I should have no objection to a repetition of the same life from its beginning, only asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to correct some faults in the first. —- Benjamin Franklin

I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it’s a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life. —-Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time. —Coco Chanel

Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. —-Elbert Hubbard

The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
Robert Heinlein

Life is messy. Love is messier. – Catch and Release

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. —-Katharine Hepburn

When life gives you chocolates and a rose, you know life is trying to score with you.

Don’t take life to seriously. No one gets out alive.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.—- Oscar Wilde

I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if I’m not in it, I go to work. —-A. E. Matthews

What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner.

Life is full of disappointments, and I’m full of life!

Life is like an onion. Why is life like an onion? Because you peel away layer after layer and when you come to the end you have nothing. —-Yiddish Proverb

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. —–Andy Rooney

To me, life is like the back nine in golf. Sometimes you play better on the back nine. You may not be stronger, but hopefully you’re wiser. And if you keep most of your marbles intact, you can add a note of wisdom to the coming generation. —Clint Eastwood

Life is the only thing you can”t get out of alive.

Democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the others. — Winston Churchill

May your life be like toilet paper… Long and useful.

Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on. —Samuel Butler

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other. —-Josh Billings

We need to know ourselves better so that we can realize what we really want in our life. I think that the first condition for a person to be in a successful relationship is to be happy with the person he or she is, in other words to love themselves. —-Tarkan Quotes

Life is Short – Talk Fast!

Life is pretty simple: You do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. You do more of what works. If it works big, others quickly copy it. Then you do something else. The trick is the doing something else.
Leonardo da Vinci

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone. —-Reba McEntire

Life is like a ten-speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. —-Charles Schulz

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. —-George Carlin

Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries. —–Everett McKinley Dirksen

Life is a foreign language: all men mispronounce it. —-Christopher Morley, “Thunder on the Left”

Life is like an onion: You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.—- Carl Sandburg

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. —- Jeff Marder

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. —-John Lennon

Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it. —-Christopher Morley

It’s not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over. —–Edna St. Vincent Milly

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep. —-Fran Lebowitz

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink. —-Shunryu Suzuki

Roshi No matter how bad things get, you got to go on living, even if it kills you. —Sholom Aleichem

Sometime life can serve you surprises, just when you think you are honest. —-Rodney Dangerfield

A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.
Alyce P. Cornyn-Selby

He’s turned his life around. He used to be miserable and depressed, now he’s depressed and miserable.
David Frost

He’s proof that there’s life after death.
Mort Sahl

Desire is half of life, indifference is half of death.
Kahlil Gibran

When life gives you lemons throw them at the people you despise.

The meaning of life is that it stops.’ – Franz Kafta

Life is like an orange; no matter how carefully you peel it, you always get squirt in the eye. —- Unknown

Life is too important to be taken seriously. —– Oscar Wilde